Not too long ago, in a desolate region somewhere north of the South Pole and west of Washington, D.C., a run-away blimp held two men and a boy hostage. They had been nearly two hundred feet in the air for a little over a week when they suddenly began to sink. At first they were elated to think that their prayers had been answered only to have their hopes dashed to pieces, seeing that they were over a large body of water. They began to frantically search for things to throw overboard to lighten the load. Forming a bucket line they began to toss cargo out the door. A giant box of inflated balloons, a tiny bag of light bulbs, a mid-sized pallet of Turkish throwing spears. No good. Although they had stopped sinking as fast as before, they were still sinking. “Well” said the younger of the two men to the older “it looks like there is nothing for it. Sorry Bob but they have to go”. With tear-filled eyes Bob walked to the back of the blimp and returned with an arm load of go-go boots and slowly, solemnly walked to the hatch. One by one he said “good-bye” to his inheritance and tossed them into empty space. Suddenly, as the last brightly colored boot left his trembling hand, they stopped sinking. With joy only known to those who cheat death the three would-be drowned-ees jumped and danced until they were tired and then they went to bed.

Out past Jupiter, hidden from all Earth’s telescopes the interstellar doughnut shaped space ship of the Omicron Parse I 8’s observed a troop of girl scouts as they were on their weekend camping trip in the middle of a very large lake. So large in fact that as soon as they got to the very center of the lake they had just enough time to fill up the gas tanks on the boats, swim for five minutes then get back on the boats and go back.

The aliens deployed their green eco-friendly jet-skis to this giant lake in the hopes of capturing the girl scouts and using them for slaves and their etymological study. The aliens, (being in a semicircle and ready for combat) had the drop on troop 14 and thought to themselves “This will be easy”. In so doing they let down their guard. Here the writer stops to insert a red hot candy in to his mouth. Unbeknownst to the mounted alien commandos, Troop 14 was well versed in going from column of force to line of battle. As soon as they saw the incoming threat 5 points off their starboard bow they executed a complex maneuver that took them from the column of force to line of battle on the right flank of the alien cavalry. The writer who can no longer stand the fire in his mouth caused by the red hot candy jumps up looking around frantically for water. Seeing his glass on the table he vaults over the couch and drains his once full glass of water and returns to his desk, calmly inserts another candy in to his mouth and picks up where he left off. The aliens, seeing that they have been out maneuvered, try to get back in position, but it was no use. Troop 14 descended on the Omocronians like a fork on a line of peas cutting them apart with their special issue chain saws, while all the would-be slavers had was rotten produce that they had stolen from their last victim planet. The soundly beaten commandos fled the girl scouts and were beamed up into the space ship to lick their wound and rethink their stratagem to take over Earth. Again the writer performs the JUVCDWEC (Jumps Up Vaults Couch Drinks Water Eats Candy) and gets on with the story.

The Omocronians’ commandos had not been beamed up alone. There was some odd looking knee high boots that the alien queen thought were the best looking foot wears in the whole universe. Therefore, she said to all the monsters at arms “Grest drag moutld tusskent brelm fred hu douwnstd cestwquc” which roughly translates “I hereby decree that for my pleasure all my soldiers will wear go-go boots in bright shiny colors”. So with their manly power tools, the alien men began to look like they were busy building an industrial go-go boot maker to outfit the entire alien army.

Meanwhile back on Earth troop 14 was interrogating one of the two alien commandos they had not cut to pieces. “How many of you guys are there?” asked a 12 year old red head with glasses “What is your battle plan?” angrily she turned away and sighed. “It’s no good Anna,” said another girl, a 9 year old this time, with dirty blond hair. “This guy is not going to say any thing”.
“You’re right” Anna replied and called for another girl, this one 14 “Keep watch on the POWs and if anything happens just rev your saw”. With a salute Anna and her side kick went top side to join the victory party.

The next day the aliens sent out their sanitation team in their new bright purple go-go boots to see if they could find a weakness in troop 14s defenses and to prove their worthiness to the alien queen. It was not long before the sanitation/recon team saw what they thought they were looking for, the SCUBA hatch on the bottom of the rear guard boat. It might have been the end of troop 14 if the alien scouts had gone back to the mother ship and told everyone so they could mount an assault on the boat, but the sanitation/recon sergeant was greedy and wanted all the glory for himself. And so after an on the fly plan, the purple booted Omicronians went through the hatch with a rush, only to come face to face with a food gathering team that had just finished getting ready to go on an expedition and were just about to open the hatch them selves when the aliens came in. Caught by surprise the girl scouts began to scream. The high pitch sound waves went pulsing through the brains of the aliens and totally fried their craniums. To the amazement of the foragers all the aliens dropped dead were they stood, a green goo coating the insides of their bubal helmets.

After thinking about the stratagem that they had used on previous worlds the alien queen and her counsel decided that their best bet was to take hostages. So they called the only aliens that could take on such a mission, the ultra-commandos. There were five of them almost invisible except for their bright green knee high boots. They were brought before the queen. “You have proven that you are capable of such an honored mission as kidnapping the human weaklings and bring them back to the flying doughnut.” With an alien salute, the ultra five went off to begin their mission.

Late that night five dark figures snuck aboard one of the boats and crept to the sleeping deck. Grabbing three unconscious girl scouts the aliens slipped back over the side and were beamed up in to the “doughnut”.

When the three girls awoke it was to the cold steel floor that they had been sleeping on. Startled and scared they wondered what in the world had happened to them. They did not wonder long because a few minutes their captures came through the door. There were four of them, two of the aliens had on yellow boots and the others had sky blue ones. The tallest of the four stepped forward and said “grgel forg scets lsk ekdf endl aols djde qud dsk jhnbesg uudlqjhe”. It took a few seconds for the translation “Welcome earthlings you are now the prisoners of the great and beautiful Blurga the queen of Omicron Parse I 8 and of whatever her eyes desire. Behave.

At about the same time as the girl scouts in the “doughnut” woke up so did the ones on the boats. To their horror, three of the members of troop14 were nowhere to be found. They searched and searched but they could not find them. 45 minutes after troop 14 found that they were three shy of a full troop, the Omicronians came down in their eco-friendly jet-skis and addressed troop 14. “Djkl wdmpdo dj d jwokj a dldjieu aiod d ioleoijhd jieoidfjls djkl jkl ie safr.” Then the translation came through. “Greetings earthlings, this is Queen Blurga informing you that we are holding three of your fellow human beings hostage and they will remain so until you surrender. Every day at exactly noon they would come back and repeat the message.

The scoutettes, having a “no negotiate for hostages” policy, immediately began to devise a rescue plan. Using their SCUBA gear, they swam under the alien’s eco- friendly jet-skis and grabbed onto the bottom of them. The aliens were then beamed up into the “doughnut” along 11 girl scouts and their chain saws.

Once the stowaways had finished with the aliens in the beam bay, they proceeded to the closest map of the area. After much deliberation about the fastest way to the throne room, they flagged down a cab. He took them as close to their destination as he could, then they killed the cab driver and stormed the throne room. They took queen Blurga hostage. Finally, after a 10 hour stand off and two failed forced entries on the parts of the Omicronians, the queen finally signed a surrender document which made all the aliens the slaves of Earth forever.
After hours of eating red hot candies the writer has totally killed his taste buds and all for the sake of the reader. I hope you are happy.


I would like to take this time to say that I apologize to the following: girl scouts, any aliens I have offended in this writing, girls that scream like girls, scuba divers, run away blimps, men who like go-go boots, people who go on camping trips in the middle of gigantic lakes, Turks, eco-friendly jet-skis, and last and maybe least writers with no taste buds.