I am my own worst enemy

Along time ago on the other side of the country, I made a promise. It is not a complicated promise with bells and whistle, but an uncomfortable one to keep all the same. What is this thing that causes me to take key board under hand, you may ask. Well, I will tell you the distress that has haunted me for the past two or three years.

Like I said, when I was about nine or ten, I made a promise to my mother. That promise being as follows. I said “Mom, I promise you, that when I turn 18, then I will move out”.

That’s it. The greatest fear I have ever possessed, the sum total of all my worries, the thing I have worked against since I had realized that that day was nigh upon me. I cower away from the thought, I cringe at the mention of it, I curse myself, and my un-understanding childish ways. I am my own worst enemy, and the one I have to consult on what to do.

When I made this stupid promise, I had the same problem that I do now. That is that, I think I will be ready when the time comes. I mean, at the time 18 was along time away. That was the age of tall people, mature people, the age that I would know it all. But the opposite is true. I feel like I am less prepared now than I though I was at ten. It’s kind of disturbing to think that I thought I know more then, than I know now.

I realize that I have a choice. I could do as promised and move out, or I could just pretend that it never happened and do what I really want to do (that is, live at home and be a loser my whole life). But that would do two things that I don’t like to do.

First off, I know the reason that I don’t want to move out, it’s because I am scared. I am afraid of leave what I know. What’s more, I am content here at home. I never understood people that are all fired up to run off and start their own life away from their parents. Also I am lazy. Why should I go out of my way to get something that I already have? I ask myself that question to fool myself into breaking my promise. And if I do not move out, I would prove to myself (if to no one else) that I was a coward.

Secondly, I hate liars. I can not stand a person that dose not tell the truth. So if I were to break my promise and throw away all my cares, I would become which I hate (sort of like the dilemma that Luke Skywalker had if you ask me). I would become not only my worst enemy, but also that which I hate. Kind of interesting is it not? I mean how many people are what they hate, and there own worst enemy, because they tried to help someone.

The more and more I think about it, the more and more I have come to the conclusion, growing up stinks. Its way overrated. I don’t really like the whole grown up thing. And what really makes it so distasteful is that I am being forced into it. I was forced to get a checking account, forced to get a job, forced to get my drivers license.

Its not that I want to be 17 forever, I just I don’t want to have all the responsibility that goes along we adulthood.

I really do not doubt that I will grow up and become a “responsible adult”, and become as boring as the best of them, it’s just, that like being a child.

Just what I was thinking when I woke up this morning. Its kind of depressing, sorry that you read the whole thing. I would fell kind of bad if I made someone even more unhappy than they already were. So if I did, don’t tell me. Thanks.