One evening, I was talking to Sam M when, from the other room, I heard the crash of glass breaking and my brother saying the words that are uttered when something is broken. Intrigued by the thought of my brother getting in trouble, I went into the room of the accident to find my brother standing under a book shelf looking at the ground with a look of horror on his face. The excitement of my brother getting a tongue lashing quickly faded to a sort of abraded/irritated disappointment (I am not quite sure what word to use so if you come up with a better one let me know). My brother, in an attempt to put a book back on the bookshelf in the girls room, knocked a fish bowl with a bunch of rocks in it (no water thankfully) off the shelf. In the resulting fall, the bowl broke on the floor releasing river rocks and shards of glass.

As we all know (and my brother found out), every action must have a reaction. The inevitable reaction to the one I have seen fit to regale you with would most certainly be my sister going into a fit and there being shouting and accusations and the like. Then, before my sister reacted, my mother came in and discovered that the fish bowl had been used as a bookend for the past several months.

Once this knowledge became evident to the rest of the family, my sister announced, “I am surprised that it broke. It has fallen down three or four times already and did not break”. I was so shocked that I blurted out, “You knew that it had already fallen and that it would probably fall again? You are a retard to the third degree!”

I have a Friend in the USMC and don’t get to talk to him very much. But he has a facebook account, so I thought I would get one so I could keep in contact with him. So I went over to facebook and signed up, got my account, uploaded the standard pictures, filled out the info, and checked it out every now and then.

After about three or four week I started to notice something very disturbing, and frankly disgusting. I have been on other sites like facebook where they have ads like “Win a free car!” or “You are the 999,999,999 visitor that makes you the winner!”. But on facebook it is totally different. At first I was getting ads like “Register to vote for Obama”. Then one day I got on prepared for the political ads and up popped this ad “Chat with local gays in your area”. I about fell out of my chair. I could not believe what I was reading. And I started wondering, did they just assume I was gay, did they know I live in a town with no gay people in it, was I the only straight guy on facebook?

After another couple weeks I was getting tired of seeing these gay ads and decided to find out why I was getting them. After look at my info page I saw the error in my ways. For those of you who do not know, when you are filling out the info stuff they ask your gender and the gender of those you are interested in. Well in my hase I said that I was a male interested in males. They did not assume that I was gay; I told them I was and they advertised to me as such.

Needless to say I wasted to time changing that little typo, so now I only get the “Chat with local single women” ads.

Dear reader.

I would like to apologize to you for not posting anything recently and would like to appease you by posting something right know. The only problem is that I can think of nothing to write. My life is so uneventful at the moment (ether that or I am too lazy) that I am at a loss as to what to say. So I will start with what I have been doing lately.

A couple of week ago my younger brother and I were out playing war out in the old land slide next to our house when all the sudden my brother yells “run for cover”, so I do. As I was on my way to a large rock I had to jump off an undercut bank down in to a dry really big puddle bed. As I came up to the bank and got ready to jump I fell through, caught my legs in some root, fell forward and hit my head on a really big rock.
In case you were wondering, my head did not win the encounter. I was knocked out and woke up on the rock ten seconds later with my brother standing next to my with his mouth hanging open. It only took my a couple of minutes to orient myself, remember what happened and decide that I had better get to the house. That turned out easier said that done. I was having trouble making my eyes focus where I wanted them to, and my equilibrium was all messed up because I could not walk in a straight line any where. Nevertheless I made it though a gate and up to the house all by my self, then into my room where they tell me I took off my kneepads and shoes, and then went into the living room where I was accosted by my sister and forced to sit down and put a ice pack on my head.
At this time I still had no idea that I was bleeding from a cut on my forehead above my left eye. Then my mother’s husband came in who had first responder training and he asked me a bunch of questions like what day it was, what did I do that day, and stuff like that. I guess I got most of them wrong and was diagnosed with a concussion. The next day I could remember most of the stuff that happened to me (there was on hour or so that is still a little fuzzy) and was able to continue my life with only a large head ache for a few days.

As most of you may know I work at an RV park in a little town near the coast. Well it appears that I have done such a good job working for them that they told all their friends about me. Now all these people that I don’t know are calling me asking if I could help them move, or lay some sod, or paint their deck. And being the soft hearted guy I am I cant say no.
Now I told you all that so you would understand why I am painting a guys enormous deck with lots of stairs and benches and things like that. Oh and by the way did I mention that I was doing it by myself? That’s right, I am the one man team of a do-anything-you-want-me-to business. Anyway I have to paint this deck (can you guess what color) red. Now around the edge of the deck is one long bench that is nailed to the deck so I can’t pick it up and turn it over to get at the bottom. So all day Saturday I was on my back under a bench that is 18in high painting with red paint. Needless to say, if you are painting up most of the paint will land on you. I just though I would tell you that as of this post gravity is still working.

We had our church pick nick on Sunday. This time we had it at a different park. This one had a volleyball net and we happened to have a volleyball. So I think we had a world record for number of people playing volleyball. After every one was volleyed out we played football. In the very first play I got hurt. Myself and another guy were running at each other and when two high speed objects meet, one of the is bound to suffer some damage, it just so happens that I was the one that suffered the damage. Right when we hit he was raising his leg for another stride and his knee collided with my thigh. I don’t think it broke anything but it bruised pretty badly. I won’t be able to walk with any speed until Tuesday.

And that brings you up to date with the thing that matter in my life. Aren’t you so glad that you can sleep in peace tonight knowing that you are informed. May you fair well and remember do not let your self be repressed by the sibling hierarchy. Don’t let yourself become a victim. And always De oppresso liber!

This year our family went to our pastor’s house for easter, along with other members of the congregation of the church we are going to at this time. We (the young men) were playing basketball, or street football, or something of the kind when we decided that it was high time for a water break.

We milled into the kitchen two or three at a time. When it came my turn to mosey into the kitchen I did so only to hear one of the young ladies talking about me. At first I was surprised to hear my name spoken in my presence, but then I heard what she said about me and my surprise turned to amusement.

The young lady was referring to the previous Sunday when my family had come to her house to sing hymns and generally fellowship. I have a base voice, but can’t read music very well. So when she and the other girls were giving the notes for the song on the piano I jokingly said “give me the bass note”. Apparently this young lady did not know that I can’t carry a tune in a bucket and even if I could it would do no good, gave me the bass note anyway and when I told her it was a joke she did not get it. (I can say the following because she can not see my blog) I think she has a blond streak in her.

Anyway that is what she was talking about when I happened to be standing right across the table from her. Although I was straight across from her she did not see me because she was so into the story of how rude it was of me to ask for something then not use it when I got it. At this time everybody at the table but the young lady knew I was standing there and had gotten very quiet and was looking at the story teller. After a bout 30 seconds one of the people at the table could not stand it any longer spoke up and said “He is standing right there”.

The young lady looked up to see me smiling and trying not to laugh. Once she saw me she turned bright red, got a look on her face that said “oh”. Me being the good sport that I am mercifully walked out of the room to prevent further embarrassment.

This morning I slept in a little bit. That would not have mattered at all if the trash man was not coming at an ungodly hour and I had done my chores and taken the recycle bin out the night before. But as it happens, I did not do my chores so my mother came in my sleeping chamber and asks if there was a good reason why the recycle bin was still in the kitchen. Of course I was not going to say that I forgot to take it out because I was playing video games because if I did I would not be writing this. So all I said was “I’m sorry.” sitting up in the tent over my bed (my brother and I share a room and are currently engaged in mortal dart combat).

After I got out of bed I slipped on my sneakers, grabbed the recycle bin and walked to the end of our 300ft drive way and just got there in time to hand it to the garbage man then I took up the recycle bin and the trash can and walked back and took a shower.

Shortly after I got out of the shower before I could get my cloths when my sister came in and said “Nana needs your help or a log or a dog is going to float away”. It took me a moment to understand what she had just told me. After a couple of seconds it hit me some thing was about to float away down the river and it was either a dog or a log.

Well if it was a dog it was not ours’ and Nana would not get so worked up over someone else’s dog, so it must be hers. Ff so, that was just fine with me. I don’t like her dogs and they don’t like me. But if it was a log, which is actually worth something, it might get away I would be blamed, and I would never hear the end of it.

After I got my chest waders on and grabbed a coat I started down to the river. On my way I met Sam M and he was in a hurry. That’s all well and good he liked Nanas dogs more than I did so that may be it. But when I got down to the river and saw what really happened I had to stop and re-think every thing I had been told about the situation. There was no dog floating in the swell, or log just stuck on the beach. What had happened was one of the cables on our dock had broken. Even though only one of the cables broke, from the folk’s house it looked as if both had broken which would have resulted in the dock being swept down the river, and so a state of emergency was declared.

Once we had gathered ourselves we made a plan. The plan was simple, a lot like my little brother, but unlike my little brother the plan just might work. Grandpa and I climbed out on the dock. Then with a big stick and did like those guys in Venice. Standing up in the back of their boats useing a pole to move the boat. In that manner we got the dock back to the shore and tied it to an anchor. The anchor was way too small and kept getting pulled over into the river.

This sort of thing had happened before so we know what to done. Plus we had a simple plan. Having some excess cable, we unwound the same amount lost so the dock would stay in the same place. The reason for this is that we had already found the best spot for the dock to be anchored so that it could move without running aground or getting hit by floating logs.

Now that we had gotten the right amount of cable, Nana and Grandpa and I held an election. They voted for the only person wearing chest waders to go reattach the cable to the dock. I say they because I was the only one wearing chest waders and did not want to get in that river that was mostly frigid mountain runoff.

Forced onto service under threat of no dinner I waded out to the dock and reattached the cable to the dock. I had long since left my jacket on a grader blade that was stuck in the ground and had rolled up my shirt sleeves. It did not surprise me that the grommet I had to thread the cable through was under water, so I had to plunge my hands up to my elbows in the icy cold water for twenty seconds at a time until I got it right. After a few minuets I was able to re-hook the cable. That’s when they said, “Ok boy, climb onto the dock and maneuver it out into position with this big stick.” Since I really wanted dinner, I did what I was told. As it turns out Grandpa had not thought of how I was to get back on dryer land once I had gotten the dock where it belongs. They did not tell me that until after had thrown back the big stick I had used to get out there.

Well, there I was. Standing on that dock my hands almost numb, but not quite, and all Grandpa had to say was, “You should not have thrown that stick back.” I did not say anything, but I thought “I should not have gotten on this dock.”

The only thing I could do without my waders filling up was wait for the dock to float back in. So that’s what I did for about five minutes. I sat on the dock and waited for the current to push it close enough to the shore that I could touch bottom.

After I got back on dryer land I just took the wrenches up to the garage and put them away. Then I went up to the house to warm up and see if my legs were really there.


I would like to dedicate this blog post to…………… me for Writing more than one page of blog posts so you can actually click on that button that says “view all entries”. Thank you my readers. Tear rolls down the writer’s cheek.

Not too long ago, in a desolate region somewhere north of the South Pole and west of Washington, D.C., a run-away blimp held two men and a boy hostage. They had been nearly two hundred feet in the air for a little over a week when they suddenly began to sink. At first they were elated to think that their prayers had been answered only to have their hopes dashed to pieces, seeing that they were over a large body of water. They began to frantically search for things to throw overboard to lighten the load. Forming a bucket line they began to toss cargo out the door. A giant box of inflated balloons, a tiny bag of light bulbs, a mid-sized pallet of Turkish throwing spears. No good. Although they had stopped sinking as fast as before, they were still sinking. “Well” said the younger of the two men to the older “it looks like there is nothing for it. Sorry Bob but they have to go”. With tear-filled eyes Bob walked to the back of the blimp and returned with an arm load of go-go boots and slowly, solemnly walked to the hatch. One by one he said “good-bye” to his inheritance and tossed them into empty space. Suddenly, as the last brightly colored boot left his trembling hand, they stopped sinking. With joy only known to those who cheat death the three would-be drowned-ees jumped and danced until they were tired and then they went to bed.

Out past Jupiter, hidden from all Earth’s telescopes the interstellar doughnut shaped space ship of the Omicron Parse I 8’s observed a troop of girl scouts as they were on their weekend camping trip in the middle of a very large lake. So large in fact that as soon as they got to the very center of the lake they had just enough time to fill up the gas tanks on the boats, swim for five minutes then get back on the boats and go back.

The aliens deployed their green eco-friendly jet-skis to this giant lake in the hopes of capturing the girl scouts and using them for slaves and their etymological study. The aliens, (being in a semicircle and ready for combat) had the drop on troop 14 and thought to themselves “This will be easy”. In so doing they let down their guard. Here the writer stops to insert a red hot candy in to his mouth. Unbeknownst to the mounted alien commandos, Troop 14 was well versed in going from column of force to line of battle. As soon as they saw the incoming threat 5 points off their starboard bow they executed a complex maneuver that took them from the column of force to line of battle on the right flank of the alien cavalry. The writer who can no longer stand the fire in his mouth caused by the red hot candy jumps up looking around frantically for water. Seeing his glass on the table he vaults over the couch and drains his once full glass of water and returns to his desk, calmly inserts another candy in to his mouth and picks up where he left off. The aliens, seeing that they have been out maneuvered, try to get back in position, but it was no use. Troop 14 descended on the Omocronians like a fork on a line of peas cutting them apart with their special issue chain saws, while all the would-be slavers had was rotten produce that they had stolen from their last victim planet. The soundly beaten commandos fled the girl scouts and were beamed up into the space ship to lick their wound and rethink their stratagem to take over Earth. Again the writer performs the JUVCDWEC (Jumps Up Vaults Couch Drinks Water Eats Candy) and gets on with the story.

The Omocronians’ commandos had not been beamed up alone. There was some odd looking knee high boots that the alien queen thought were the best looking foot wears in the whole universe. Therefore, she said to all the monsters at arms “Grest drag moutld tusskent brelm fred hu douwnstd cestwquc” which roughly translates “I hereby decree that for my pleasure all my soldiers will wear go-go boots in bright shiny colors”. So with their manly power tools, the alien men began to look like they were busy building an industrial go-go boot maker to outfit the entire alien army.

Meanwhile back on Earth troop 14 was interrogating one of the two alien commandos they had not cut to pieces. “How many of you guys are there?” asked a 12 year old red head with glasses “What is your battle plan?” angrily she turned away and sighed. “It’s no good Anna,” said another girl, a 9 year old this time, with dirty blond hair. “This guy is not going to say any thing”.
“You’re right” Anna replied and called for another girl, this one 14 “Keep watch on the POWs and if anything happens just rev your saw”. With a salute Anna and her side kick went top side to join the victory party.

The next day the aliens sent out their sanitation team in their new bright purple go-go boots to see if they could find a weakness in troop 14s defenses and to prove their worthiness to the alien queen. It was not long before the sanitation/recon team saw what they thought they were looking for, the SCUBA hatch on the bottom of the rear guard boat. It might have been the end of troop 14 if the alien scouts had gone back to the mother ship and told everyone so they could mount an assault on the boat, but the sanitation/recon sergeant was greedy and wanted all the glory for himself. And so after an on the fly plan, the purple booted Omicronians went through the hatch with a rush, only to come face to face with a food gathering team that had just finished getting ready to go on an expedition and were just about to open the hatch them selves when the aliens came in. Caught by surprise the girl scouts began to scream. The high pitch sound waves went pulsing through the brains of the aliens and totally fried their craniums. To the amazement of the foragers all the aliens dropped dead were they stood, a green goo coating the insides of their bubal helmets.

After thinking about the stratagem that they had used on previous worlds the alien queen and her counsel decided that their best bet was to take hostages. So they called the only aliens that could take on such a mission, the ultra-commandos. There were five of them almost invisible except for their bright green knee high boots. They were brought before the queen. “You have proven that you are capable of such an honored mission as kidnapping the human weaklings and bring them back to the flying doughnut.” With an alien salute, the ultra five went off to begin their mission.

Late that night five dark figures snuck aboard one of the boats and crept to the sleeping deck. Grabbing three unconscious girl scouts the aliens slipped back over the side and were beamed up in to the “doughnut”.

When the three girls awoke it was to the cold steel floor that they had been sleeping on. Startled and scared they wondered what in the world had happened to them. They did not wonder long because a few minutes their captures came through the door. There were four of them, two of the aliens had on yellow boots and the others had sky blue ones. The tallest of the four stepped forward and said “grgel forg scets lsk ekdf endl aols djde qud dsk jhnbesg uudlqjhe”. It took a few seconds for the translation “Welcome earthlings you are now the prisoners of the great and beautiful Blurga the queen of Omicron Parse I 8 and of whatever her eyes desire. Behave.

At about the same time as the girl scouts in the “doughnut” woke up so did the ones on the boats. To their horror, three of the members of troop14 were nowhere to be found. They searched and searched but they could not find them. 45 minutes after troop 14 found that they were three shy of a full troop, the Omicronians came down in their eco-friendly jet-skis and addressed troop 14. “Djkl wdmpdo dj d jwokj a dldjieu aiod d ioleoijhd jieoidfjls djkl jkl ie safr.” Then the translation came through. “Greetings earthlings, this is Queen Blurga informing you that we are holding three of your fellow human beings hostage and they will remain so until you surrender. Every day at exactly noon they would come back and repeat the message.

The scoutettes, having a “no negotiate for hostages” policy, immediately began to devise a rescue plan. Using their SCUBA gear, they swam under the alien’s eco- friendly jet-skis and grabbed onto the bottom of them. The aliens were then beamed up into the “doughnut” along 11 girl scouts and their chain saws.

Once the stowaways had finished with the aliens in the beam bay, they proceeded to the closest map of the area. After much deliberation about the fastest way to the throne room, they flagged down a cab. He took them as close to their destination as he could, then they killed the cab driver and stormed the throne room. They took queen Blurga hostage. Finally, after a 10 hour stand off and two failed forced entries on the parts of the Omicronians, the queen finally signed a surrender document which made all the aliens the slaves of Earth forever.
After hours of eating red hot candies the writer has totally killed his taste buds and all for the sake of the reader. I hope you are happy.


I would like to take this time to say that I apologize to the following: girl scouts, any aliens I have offended in this writing, girls that scream like girls, scuba divers, run away blimps, men who like go-go boots, people who go on camping trips in the middle of gigantic lakes, Turks, eco-friendly jet-skis, and last and maybe least writers with no taste buds.

My new job
This week I got my first long term job. I now work at a RV park mowing lawns and stuff like that. Despite my wishes to stay at home and leach off my parents they have other thoughts and want me to get a job. Now I don’t mind getting a job (as a matter of fact I’m all for it) except that the next thing to come is they are going to kick me out but that’s for another time.

Now the way I got this job is because my grandpa is an engineer and he was engineering a garage for these folks and they said that they needed help and so he says, “I know just such a young man. He is a good worker, a good learner, and good looking”. Well maybe he did not say just that, but he recommended me. I called them up and they said, “Be here at 9:00 a.m.” So that’s how it happened.

So my mom dropped me off (which it grieves me to say) and we went to work. We had to move some Styrofoam forms under a carport. Easy work, right? That’s what I thought. After about five minuets I realized my boss was just that, a career boss who thinks that if something does not work it’s the worker’s fault and not the plan. But we made it through that task and moved on to the next one

I had to move some wood from one place to another. Easy work, right? That’s what I thought. My boss would bring the wood over in the tractor scoop and I would stack it. Well, that lasted about three or four loads when the hydraulic lift broke. Now, instead of getting on with the next thing we have to devise a way to move the wood. “Have any ideas?” he asks. Now being an employee, I know he would not listen to any ideas I have, and I had a few. Burn it where it is and have a weenie roast for one, use the force for another, have the aliens abduct it if you want a third. Well he comes up with using the big truck trailer. So I say, “That sounds like a good idea.” Partly because it was and partly because he is the boss and if I’m nice to him I get paid more. Tehe tehe. Well after about two or three loads my boss comes over and says to me, “We are going to give you a break.” Well that sounds pretty good but then he finishes his sentence, “let me show you how the lawn mower works.”

Now, this RV Park is on a tidal river and the last person who mowed the place cut a fat hog and mowed at high tide and so when the tide went out it left a whole lot of unmowed grass. Well I guess you know who had to take care of it. That’s right. Me. So with a big wheeled push mower that must have been as old as I am I mowed this patch of grass that was about a month and a half over due for a hair cut. And grass that’s two feet tall will kill a push mower faster than you can blink an eye and I don’t care who you are. Because of this I had to tilt it up on the back wheels; and friend, let me tell you there is a reason they put four wheels on such things. Well after that I had to mow the yard with a mower that had a bagger on it. It must have been just a few years younger than the other mower because I don’t remember bagger mowers ‘til I was two and I can’t recall automatic drives ‘til I was four. Well that auto drive was and had been dead for some time. After I mowed the yard they looked at it and said, “Looks good. I guess you can go back to stacking wood.”