Don't buy condoms at the dollar tree

As I am sure none of you are aware, for the last five months I have been running for public office. The seat that I was running for (well, close to a fast walk) was Position 1 on the Board of County Commissioners. For those of you who don’t know what that is, the Board of Commissioners (there are 5) allocates funds and serves as the main governing body of the county.

Anyway, that last paragraph was almost irrelevant to the rest of the story except that I was in town for the election night return party and that was why I was not at home sleeping, eating, or something else of no consequence. But, I was out and about with my younger brother (the same one from an earlier entry about painting).

One of the things we had to do was decorate our table at this party of winners and losers. To the Dollar Tree! Of course, the place were you can buy defective straws. So, I left my brother at the location of the proposed shindig to hold our table, and headed for the one-stop-shop for knock-offs of knock-offs.

After acquiring the necessary garbage to make the horizontal surface to which we had laid claim look like the king of tacky land’s feasting hall, I hurried back to make sure that my kin had not killed, maimed, or freaked out, himself or anyone else.

As it happens he did not, and we were able to create a platform of perfection without disturbance. This task complete, and seeing that we had four hours before the main event started, combined with the fact that they turned out the lights on us, we decided to leave this place and see what the relatively big city had to offer.

That’s right, we went to the mall.

Upon arrival I sent my irrational relative to see what movies were showing whilst I headed for the cigar shop. Hey, if this thing took a turn for the extraordinary, and I made it through the primary, I wanted to be ready. Yes, the party was inside a no smoking building, but you would not believe how fast I would get ten feet away from the door and light that up if I made it through.

After rendezvousing with the stench that never ends, we decided that there were no movies worth watching and went to get dinner.

After a double cheese burger with bacon, we headed back to………………….the Dollar Tree! Yeah baby. Candy, Chinese products, and some weird homeless guy I keep seeing around town.

At this time we made several candy purchases and chose some more decorations for our round table of riches. But, as we were checking out, my simple sibling spotted a basket full of foghorns in a can. He implored me, be begged me, he pleaded on his knees for me to allow he to get some. Being the softhearted soul that I am, I said he could get some, but he could not bring them inside the party. Under these conditions he got three.

Because he had to go to the back of the line, I finished my transaction ahead of the dust cloud that is my brother, and proceeded to the car.

As I was about to unlock my vehicle, a young lady pulls in next to me on the passenger side of my ride. Out she gets from her rig and walks around it to the passenger side of her car. At this time I had found the keyhole and was just turning the key when she talks to me.

“Excuse me.”

I look up, to see if she is truly talking to me. Low and behold she is. What do I do, I am a sheltered home schooler, I never learned how to talk to women. In a desperate attempt to not let my lack of communication skills show I say, “Yeah.”

It must have worked because she did not get back in her car and drive away. Instead she continued to address me.

“My baby is asleep, and I would hate to wake her up, would you mind running inside and getting a few things for me?”

WHAT IS GOING ON? Is this the greatest day of my life or the worst?, I can’t tell at this point! Is this a joke? Is she going to be here when I get back? When I get back will she have taken off the wig and mask and turn out to be an ugly ass guy? I just don’t know. Be cool, be cool.

“Yeah, I can do that. What do you need?”

“Two pregnancy tests”.

WHAT THE HELL? Is this the greatest day of my life or the worst? I can’t tell at this point! Where are the cameras? Did someone I know set this up? What would Jesus do?

“Alright”

Holy crap, I am really doing this. I am at the door. I am inside the store, I am in the aisle. Tampons, pads, ovul............ What the hell is an ovulation prediction test? I think this is what it is. I am about to grab them, when, out of the corner of my eye, I see the real deal.

Relieved that I now had the thing, I proceeded to the checkout lady that this would make the third time that day, and the second inside of five minutes, that she had taken my money.

I am in line. Where are the cameras? I am second in line. Is this gal going to slap me in the face? It’s my turn now. She looks at the stuff, she looks at me. Here it comes.

“Is this a joke?”
At this point if I had been thinking on my feet I should have said “No, you guy’s condoms suck!” but I was not, and only managed to say,

“Lady, I am waiting for the cameras myself, I swear”.

She looked like she did not believe a word I said, but hey, my money is as good as the next. She takes my money. I take my pregnancy tests. I leave the store and, willikers, this chick is still here. There are no cameras. She is still a female, or at least she did not take off her wig and mask.

As I walked up to her she says “I am sorry, I hope I did not embarrass you”.

“Lady, I have two sisters, I have done way worse things”